Travel Guide to India

During my second trip to India in 2005, I decided to put together a 24 item guide to survival in the city of Hyderabad. Here is that guide.

I have the pleasure of living in a hotel that caters to international visitors. This affords me the opportunity to observe cultural differences every night as I enjoy my Tandoori Roti over the Vegetarian Masala. Not all of my observations are based over dinner, but a lot of them are. Here is my list of knowledge a traveler should have before coming to India:

• When ordering a Roti, always ask for Tandoori Roti. All others come smothered in butter.

• When walking down the street, try very hard to walk opposing traffic. This way, motorized vehicles will see you just before they hit you. HOWEVER, this means that the cars driving on the wrong side of the road will be closer to you (they always get close to the curb).

• Always watch for buses while walking down the street. Forget about the danger of them hitting you, what you really have to avoid is their fracking horns. These guys have the most powerful horns – if caught unprepared the poor traveler may be driven into cardiac arrest.

• While the curb seems to be a promising refuge from motored vehicles, its best to avoid it to limit your exposure to urine.

• If a taxi asks for Rs. 50, give them 20. If they ask for 20, give them 40. This way, everyone's Karma is balanced.

• Don't lose the decimal place! Rs. 295 is WAY too much to pay for shampoo (even if it does have conditioner integrated).

• There are these little dudes at the gas station who will break your Rs. 100 bills into smaller change. You can find them by standing in the middle of the station, turning circles repeatedly, whilst waving the money in the air. While this is not the advertised method, it is the most efficient.

• NEVER wear your nice shoes when going for a walk.

• Wear goggles when taking a taxi and hold your breath. This way, your driver will fear you and give you a better rate (and it helps to survive the busier parts of the road).

• Leave your room at least once every 5 hours. This is to remind you that it’s not really 62° F. “in the real world”.

• Indian JELL-O does not have the same consistency as US JELL-O. Bear this in mind so as not to look like a fool in the dessert line.

• Drink your tea quickly. The trick is to never let anyone see you do it. You should go from a full cup of tea to pacing the room with an empty cup without missing a step. The last guy to have tea in his cup is (a) a loser and (b) stuck as the dude trying to clean up after you stare him down.

• Don't enjoy the tea too much. If you do so, more will come. Then more, then more. Pretty soon you won’t feel right unless there is some tea around. This is a problem.

• Method of brushing your teeth while not drinking the tap water: (a) get a glass; (b) fill it with bottled water; (c) take a sip and rinse your mouth (adjust to the temperature); (d) swish the brush in the cup and apply toothpaste; (e) brush as normal; (f) sip some water and rinse your mouth; (g) swish brush in cup until clean; (h) drain out the remaining water and leave for the housekeeper to replace; (i) wipe mouth with towel.

• When implementing (14), be sure to only use non-refrigerated water. This prevents the disastrous pain inherent to step (f).

• If having trouble crossing the street, find a cab and offer him Rs. 10 to take you across. Safety is worth $0.25.

• Channel 61 is the fashion channel. Endless parade of beautiful women in beautiful clothes. This is the best background TV in the world.

• When the power goes off, pretend that it is still on. DO press the elevator button and look impatient. DO NOT skip a beat in your conversation. First person to pause loses. Only dorks get worried that the power won't come back on.

• Even if the waiter offers to make you specialized food (hamburgers, ramen, etc.) politely decline. If you can’t handle the masala, try some briyani. If you can't handle that, try the rice with some fruit. Just don’t give in to their wonderful offers. STAY STRONG!

• Make friends with your house keeper. This way, you can score more of those salted dry lentil snacks or aloo bhujia instead of the Lay’s Chips. This is essential. If you’re lucky, she will even leave you two pops (sodas) instead of one.

• Just because a factory’s walls are falling down does not mean it’s out of business – it just means that the walls are falling down. Nothing more to see here, move along.

• Foster’s Beer costs 2x as much as King Fisher. When eating the tomato chutney, it really doesn’t matter which you get. Go for the cheap.

• Always order a dosa in the morning -- either masala or onion. This scores you points with the waiters because it makes you look like you know what you are doing. For bonus points, complain if the onions are not integrated with the dosa mixture before being put in the pan.

• 60% off sales are worthless if you can't figureout how to get in to the store in the first place. Watch for hidden cameras.

I wrote this travel guide in the summer of 2005 during my second trip to India. Since it was written during the first few weeks of the trip, I meant to write another guide that would reflect my experiences during the last few weeks. Alas, such a guide was never written.